


Until We Retire

by silentdroplets



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, I wasn't feeling very good when I was writing this, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, i try my best, somber
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 03:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9529310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentdroplets/pseuds/silentdroplets
Summary: Viktor has a traumatic past. Yuuri's there to listen when he hurts himself and is reminded of the trouble he's been through.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This was written badly and I hate myself for even trying to write this. I can't do justice to explaining Viktor's past.

“Good night,” Viktor had said to him with a huge smile on his face before snuggling into his spot on the bed a bit too easily. A bit too happily, enthusiastically, excitedly.

Rough night.

Very, very rough night.

Yuuri tosses himself to face the other side of the bed, ignoring the strands of hair falling on his face. Then kicks the blanket off - he’s feeling so fidgety he can’t stand the feeling of something tugging at his skin, especially the raw, sore parts of his legs.

Why can’t he sleep?

Usually, he’d be out like a light once his head hit the bed, Viktor following after him a few minutes later, all through the night, till the next morning when the alarm went off. He’s always been blessed with the ability to sleep through anything, even the kicks Viktor dealt him in his sleep, but why the sudden insomnia tonight?

He can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong off his shoulders. And legs. His legs are feeling the most irritation, really. Must be the skating that day.

And now it’s way too cold.

He groans and spouts some colourful Japanese under his breath as he sits up to pull his side of the blankets back up, barely noticing the figure sitting up beside him, until he actually does, and turns to get a better look at what it’s doing. Thank god for the lights still up downstairs.

He squints - where are his glasses when he needs them - as hard as he can, eyes still blurry and droopy, trying to register what exactly is going on.

Its hand shifts, fumbling at its legs, while the other hand holds something rectangular and shiny between its slender fingers. He watches as the rectangular thing moves down its legs, and a sharp hiss is drawn out from its throat. 

The thing moves across its leg several times, over and over and over, the air that is sucked in from the figure’s lips slowly dying down, shiny globules dropping instead.

Wait.

Yuuri’s hand slides over to where Viktor’s sleeping - except that he _isn’t_ sleeping, and he’s there, in the shadows.

_Shit._

He lunges out from the bed - who cares that his feet are throbbing and trying to drag him back to the bed - and hurries to Viktor’s side. The cold skin he places his hands on is shaking, trembling under his fingers.

“Viktor, what are you doing?” he whispers, frantic as he tries to pull the dreaded thing out of Viktor’s hands, but Viktor’s firm grip on the thing is flung out of his reach.

It may be dim, light barely reaching the corners of their room, but Yuuri isn’t as myopic and blind as to not recognise the red stains on his fingers when he reaches for his hips and feels the tiny dips of flesh, the tiny slits his nails can easily slip into. Viktor winces at his touch.

That’s it.

He isn’t going to tolerate any of this.

Yuuri pulls his chin up and smashes his lips onto Viktor’s, feeling the fresh tears still lingering on his cheeks. He kisses back. How long has it been since they’ve kissed like this, blended into one another and felt each other’s emotions? How long, exactly, Yuuri asks himself.

It’s been ages.

He pulls away to look into cerulean eyes, but all he sees is a dull shade of blue, empty and filled with anything but hope.

“Viktor, tell me,” he begs, sitting next to the crouching figure, “tell me why you’re doing this.”

His heart cracks further when a smile appears on Viktor’s face.

“I wanted to remember how it was before this.”

Yuuri grits his teeth and wraps his arms around the other, shushing him and letting tears soak each other’s skin. He doesn’t need to know more. The more he talks, the more the words will hurt. He knows.

He’s been there before.

He’ll listen only when Viktor’s ready.

“I met an old classmate a few days ago,” he says after a while, which nearly makes Yuuri jump, but he doesn’t because Viktor’s still leaning onto his chest and he doesn’t want to startle him. “We talked a bit.”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything, just sweeps a thumb over his ear and strokes it.

“And then she invited me to that reunion party, you know, the one I told you about, and it went all right, until someone brought up the whole thing about you and me and everyone just, sort of…”

His voice trails off and Yuuri has to fight the urge to start crying.

He knows what happened.

“And that’s why you did it?” he asks. “You cut?”

“I used to do it back then, too.”

“Oh, Viktor-“ 

He hugs Viktor tight, nuzzling his face into his neck. He feels Viktor breathing into his hair.

“When I was younger, in my junior years of skating, I grew out my hair because I thought it looked beautiful, like a girl’s smooth, nice hair.”  
  
“Still does.”  
  
“It didn’t really matter to me how others saw me, actually,” he continued, his frown easing a bit at the comment. “Aside from that, my parents used to tell me about how being a homosexual was bad, that the community was a wrong concept, and it was just despicable of them to love differently from us.”

“Then I had a crush on another boy once. He was pretty nice, happy and all, but when I told everyone I liked boys and girls alike, everyone started distancing themselves from me.”  
  
Yuuri feels a sting in his chest. Viktor, shunned when he was but a child?

“There was a lot of fuss about my sexuality. All my friends dumped me aside for bullies to pick on me, teachers had meetings with my parents, and worse of all, my _parents-_ “

He takes a big gulp of air and Yuuri tightens his grip on his shoulders. He notices the pulse on Viktor’s neck as he trails his fingers across it and _feels_ it, feels himself blend in, until his heart is throbbing at the rapid beats under his skin.

“They hated me for my sexuality. Talked to me with a hint of annoyance, disgust, I don’t know, plus my long hair and profession as a figure skater made it worse.”

“Was that why you cut your hair?”  
  
“It was so I could seem more masculine. Not like a sissy, as they would call me, but nothing changed. So I moved out when I was old enough and got an apartment for myself, stayed by myself, you know, yeah.”

The sting turns into a huge bullet-wound. He can’t believe how much Viktor’s been through, he wants to hug him tight, give him all the love he’s ever deserved, _lacked_ , his entire life. He doesn’t deserve this cruel punishment.

“And then?”  
  
“I continued skating, trained under Yakov - who didn’t mind who I liked as long as I concentrated on my skating.”

Viktor’s grip on Yuuri’s arm tightens, and he knows it’s going to become difficult for him to talk about it.

“I went to gay clubs when I flew to America for competitions. Most of the people there were nice, looked out for me, but there were some who didn’t know better and dragged me to their homes, eager for just their lust to be satisfied. Just them. It wasn’t really that nice.”

“Viktor.”

He looks up to see brown eyes gazing into his.

“I love you, always.”  
  
He smiles.

“Me too,” he says. “You’ve always made me feel loved.”

Viktor can’t explain the muted tones that speak to him whenever Yuuri hugs him, emotions bleeding into one another, turning into a palette of mixed colours that he can’t quite decipher and yet understand clearly at the same time, like the repeating algorithms of the world pulsing through everything it touches.

It’s truly beautiful.

“Viktor, your past, whatever that happened,” Yuuri whispers, “isn’t the present, won’t be your future.”  
  
“Why’re you so sure?” he asks. Traces from his past such as these can't be erased that easily. They’d come back, eventually.

Or maybe they won’t.

“Because I’ll be here, no matter what.”

Yuuri smiles at him. Viktor returns the smile, feeling icy mint pricking at his raw eyes and they nuzzle together.

Well, he can be sure that Yuuri’s the one who made him feel more wanted and adored.

He doesn’t feel like Viktor Nikiforov in front of him. He feels like Viktor, the him that he’s always wanted to share with others.

Yuuri feels much, much better when they limp back to the bed to sleep the rest of the night away.

~~~~~~

Beaches have always been Viktor’s favourite places since he was young.

A place for him to wash his worries away in the overlapping waves, immerse his soul in the cleansing froth of the sea. A place for him to face and let his true sadness show.

Yuuri walks through the sand with him, their fingers interlaced. When they reach the sun’s almost up and the sky is roaring a strong orange blazing in confidence.

“Did they ever call you names?” Yuuri asks, because why not. He knows how angry he’ll get at the response Viktor would give, and since the sea is the essence of calm, he’ll probably cope better when they’re at the beach. Anxious and timid as he is, he has a short temper.

“Did you have bullies?” Viktor shoots back. Yuuri’s slightly taken aback, but he nods.

“Of course.”  
  
“Did they call you names?”  
  
“Yeah- Oh.”

Yuuri shuts up. The wounds he’s afflicted on himself is bandaged with antiseptic cream, plasters, showers of affectionate kisses and declarations of love. He doesn’t want to incur further injury to the man he loves with all his heart.

They sit at a nearby rock and lean their heads against each other.

“You know, doing the opposite of what others expect of you just to surprise them? Sometimes, it doesn’t work.”  
  
Yuuri knows what he’s getting at.

“You always manage to surprise me, and I still love you.”  
  
“You do.”  
  
“I do.”  
  
Viktor lets out a chuckle. “It’s almost like a marriage proposal.”  
  
Yuuri laughs as well.

“We’ll be together forever, right? Even after we retire?”  
  
“Definitely.”

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I apologise.
> 
> Hope you liked this fic, even if I didn't. :D come talk to me on tumblr okay!!
> 
> silentdroplets, signing off.


End file.
